Compassion. Noun: a feeling of deep sympathy and sorrow for another who is stricken by misfortune, accompanied by a strong desire to alleviate the suffering. A strong desire to alleviate suffering — compassion is one of the most beautiful of human potentials. It’s a skill, a way of living that must be taught, modeled, shaped in a way that will impact the way a person sees the world, every single day. As a parent and an empath, I often think about how to do this in a way that will impact my own children and the lives we touch. I’ve found it to be a process and want to share how to build compassion: chapter one.

Lost, hopeless — a feeling that’s been tugging at my heart as I’ve watched the government prioritize the rich and powerful while grossly overlooking the masses that have suffered and will continue to suffer as the gap between the rich and poor grows — a chasm of disparity threatening to swallow us whole. This disenfranchisement is nothing new, though it seems to have gained traction in recent years. I find myself wondering, “how do I combat this…what power do I have over this corruption?”

It’s no secret that I often feel powerless in the face of catastrophic adversity — perhaps you can relate? Over the years, I’ve learned that there is great meaning in grabbing the reigns and tackling your own corner of the world. That your power lies in the choices you make and the care you provide to those around you. Change begins in the quiet moments, when we decide to do better for ourselves and others. As a mom of five, I try to use seemingly insignificant moments to build the foundation of a compassionate life.

How to build compassion: learning to care for others

In The Book Of Joy, a collaborative book by His Holiness the Dalai Lama and Archbishop Desmond Tutu, Tutu writes, “I pointed out that so often our parenting in the West is too focused on our children, and their needs alone, rather than helping them to learn to care for others.”

Many of us have been birthed into a individualistic society that prizes individual achievement over the needs and wellbeing of the community. This is engrained in our fabric, it is automatic, and we have to work to dismantle it. I would also argue that this focus on individualism has led to an increase in anxiety, depression, hopelessness. The Dalai Lama talks about this, saying, “A compassionate concern for others’ well-being is the source of happiness…a self-centered attitude is the source of the problem. We have to take care of ourselves without selfishly taking care of ourselves. If we don’t take care of ourselves, we cannot survive. We need to do that. We should have wise selfishness rather than foolish selfishness.”

Beginning to build compassion starts with understanding that we all have needs, this is true. We must also recognize that every human, animal, creature on the planet also has needs. When we see our needs in the needs of others — we can relate with the creeping caterpillar, the grazing deer, or the person begging on the side of the road. Wise-selfishness recognizes the importance of balancing our own needs with the needs of every other being on the planet.

Compassion and Caterpillars

While working outdoors one day, Derek brought a small caterpillar he found beneath a wood pile he was moving. Molly was mesmerized by its tininess. Her brow furrowed as she questioned every little aspect of its life — how does it eat? Where does it live? Does it have a mama? Is it cold? Is it thirsty?

These are all very instinctive, realistic questions. Children are naturally self-centered. Their experience of the world is their own. So, she asks questions that are relatable through her own life. She understands the feeling of hunger, thirst, warmth, the love and care of a parent — and she very naturally transfers those needs to the caterpillar. It’s not simply understanding that this creature will have these needs, but also showing concern for whether or not these needs are being met.

As we navigate the experience of this (or any) creature, I frame questions in a way that will expand their understanding, perspective, and world view.

What do you notice? How do you feel? How might this creature feel? In what way are you similar to this creature? Imagine that you are this creature. Tell me about how that might feel. What can we do to help this creature?

Setting intentions

In his wisdom, Desmond Tutu shares, “You show your humanity by how you see yourself not as apart from others but from your connection to others.” Our existence is connected to the existence of every other human, animal, and plant on the planet. It’s through this connection that we foster compassion.

We can begin by choosing our intention each day. I love this example from the Dalai Lama, “As soon as I wake up…I remember that everything is interrelated, the teaching of interdependence. So then I set my intention for the day, that this day should be meaningful. Meaningful means, if possible, serve and help others. If not possible, then at least not to harm others. That’s a meaningful day.”

So, how do we build compassion? Be intentional. Believe in the power of helping. Live with the intention of doing no harm. Set aside space for learning, understanding the lives of those around you. Keep your heart open.

In The Book of Joy, the Dalai Lama leaves us with this instruction, “seek to be an oasis of caring and concern as you live your life.”

Peace, love, joy, learning, and much compassion to you — until next time, mortals,