How did we get here?
Let’s say ten-ish years ago, you told me I would be homeschooling five human children. Well, I would have spit my Mike’s Hard Lemonade straight in your face (it’s summertime and we’re eating tacos on the porch, by the way. I politely hand you a towel to wipe your face because I’m nice like that.). Rewind to ten-ish (okay maybe 12)…(TWELVE?!?) years ago. I had one human child, was working as an elementary school counselor, and was, quite frankly, miserable.
Do you ever feel like you’re living inside a mental box that you’ve steadily built over the years? Like you’ve shut yourself neatly inside a compartment based on your own experiences, fears, expectations, and ideas about what the world wants from you? Then, you make all sorts of life decisions from that small place? Suddenly, you’re living a life that doesn’t necessarily feel like *your* own. It’s a rather shitty spot to be, isn’t it?
Take it from a gal who graduated college and grad school in record time and rushed into a career that I thought was meant for me all while marrying and having a child within a handful of years and felt absolutely stuck in a life that was only just beginning. It sucks.
Sometimes, I wonder what I would have said to myself then, knowing what I know now. Well…
It’s okay
It’s okay. It’s okay to feel whatever it is you’re feeling. Sit with it. Know it. Understand that whatever you feel comes from a valid place – even if misplaced. Because one day, you’ll open your eyes and see a little dude hunched over a guitar, tongue out, strumming “Another One Bites the Dust” with gusto. You won’t have words, but you’ll smile to yourself and feel better.
Listen to yourself
When the world is noisy and you feel a tug somewhere inside your soul pulling you a different direction, listen to it. I couldn’t escape my inner voice sometimes whispering, other times screaming at me to completely change direction. Honestly, sometimes it’s easier to ignore that pull than admit that you’re floundering. I worried that I would somehow be wasting my education, disappointing myself and the people closest to me. It was like trying to fight a hopeless internal battle. Don’t shrug off that inner voice. Because one day you’ll realize that no bit of education is ever wasted. You’ll continue to use what you’ve learned in a different space – in meaningful ways you never imagined. All while you watch your kiddos create doll clothes using wet wipes and markers.
Forgive yourself
Be gentler with yourself. There are so many times you’ll wonder if you’re fucking everything up – or if you should have made a different choice somewhere down the line. Life is messy and mistakes are a part of it all. Spend more time forgiving yourself and less time questioning every decision you make. Over the years, I’ve learned that messing up is an important part of the journey and that’s when we pivot (PIVOT!! PIVOT!! ….that’s a “Friends” reference, there….). Refresh the mindset, take a breath, and continue on. This will come in handy when one of your kiddos comes to you, tears in their eyes – frustrated about a mistake they made while drawing their favorite Pokemon characters. You’ll be able to help them build resilience and confidence by reframing a mistake into an opportunity.
Let go…just a little bit
There are so many times that I have a clear idea about how I want things to go – how everything should fall into place. In many ways, I feel like I’m the puppet master – in control of all of the pieces, how they move, and how they interact. But life isn’t a puppet show and I am not a master. I know that so much of my own want for control is deeply anchored in anxiety and letting go of some of that control is part of growth. It’s hard (and one of my biggest struggles), but I’ve also found that the kids surprise me with their ingenuity, problem-solving skills, and creativity when I let go of the reigns (okay, the last time I let go of the reigns led to a glitter-explosion but good things happen, too).
Believe in and Embrace yourself
Self-doubt is a beast. It creeps in on you, slowly – spreading seeds of uncertainty that eventually blossom into full-blown insecurity. You become your biggest setback when you doubt yourself. There have been so many moments tossed throughout every day over the course of years that I’ve doubted myself – believing that I couldn’t possibly be good enough. But, I am – and so are you. Being able to do hard things becomes easier when you embrace yourself wholeheartedly. Being a self-supporter is so important. It’s like a catalyst to bigger and better things to come. Those big eyes that look up to you see it, too. They’re more likely to love and respect themselves when they see you set that example.
Keep dreaming
Most importantly, keep dreaming and dream big. Manifest all of the good things, write them down, and see what comes your way. The world is quick to shut down out-of-the-box thinkers and doers so make it your objective to be one. Twelve years ago, I was a jumbled mess of anxiety, depression, self-doubt, and insecurity (and I still struggle with all of these things). But, I was also dreaming wild, out-of-this-world and topsy-turvy dreams – and those dreams helped me visualize a life filled with possibilities that were different than the norm, I suppose. That dreaming helped land us where we are, right now. A quirky, neuro-divergent family living, laughing, and learning (and crying, fighting, loving, etc.) together. Funny how our journeys can lead us to unexpected places, isn’t it?
Do you relate to any of this? Homeschooling – life changes – raising kids – wanting something else in life? Let me know – thanks for reading & peace, love, light, and all the good vibes to you!
